I was at Denny's this morning, enjoying my plate of sodium and cup of fructose, thinking about what a healthy eater I am now that my sons are grown. 
For example, I don't eat at taco restaurants anymore because from a health standpoint, I'm worried that the filler meat under the three melted cheeses, sour cream, guacamole, refried beans, mayo and bacon bits, may not be real beef.
When my son wouldn't sleep in the car seat, I pulled into the drive-up and plied him with McNuggets; knocked him out faster than Benydryl for half the price. As an adult he clucks and is resistant to antibiotics. 
Walking with my wife today I noticed there's a big difference between the honk that says "Nice ass!" an the honk that says, "Move your ass!"
I have a new Lexus. Very expensive car. I borrowed extra so I could make the payments. 
It has one of these passenger side air bags that turn on and off. I use this a lot. My wife's like, "Slow down you're gonna' kill us!" I'm like, "Not 'us.'" 
I performed stand-up in San Francisco this week. The depressing thing about San Francisco is all the people on the sidewalk talking to themselves. I'm like, "Homeless or Bluetooth? Homeless or Bluetooth?!"
If you perform stand-up in San Francisco and you're not famous, they have an unwritten rule that you have to establish your sexual orientation at the outset. "For the past thirty years I've been in one of these opposite sex relationships." [beat] "Remember those?""
Is it a civil union?" they go. "Give or take the occasional argument." "Same sex?" "Yes. The sex is always the same."My little sister's boyfriend dumped her, complaining about her constant need for sex and that she isn't romantic enough. 
I gave her a brotherly hug and guaranteed her that one day he'd meet the right guy. 
Woody Woodpecker is triple phallic.Why does Miranda get all the rights? What about Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte.
Preparation H has a new product called Preparation H: Totables. The slogan is - I am not making this up - "The anywhere Preparation H." And "yes" it's a suppository! 
This week a guy near my home in Vermont caught what he thought was a brown trout. Turned out it was an Atlantic Salmon with a transmitter and he was guilty of fish jacking. "Honey, I jacked a fish." He jacked a fish! The Feds tracked the salmon to his freezer in Bethel, Vermont, fining him $1,500. I know what you're thinking: "Transmitters work in the freezer?"